I woke up that morning to gloomy
skies. Absolutely no sunlight. And the only happiness I could possibly find was
the pure silence radiating throughout the house. Then, I realized, I may have
spoken too quickly since my five year-old brother Timothy began his daily noise
agenda earlier than I expected. "There's nothing that could possibly ruin this
day," I said under my breath with much sarcasm.
Absent-mindedly, I ran swiftly down the
stairs, contemplating about the one issue at hand. How do I go about asking
people's opinions on the concept of "friends with benefits?" To begin the
search for my answer, I asked the first person I knew, my father, Rev. Tyrone
Thompson aka Papa San, 43.
"What's a
friend with a benefit?" he questioned.
"It just means that two people
can have the same advantage as a couple without actually being a couple," I
replied, chuckling.
"Huh?" he said confused.
Oddly enough, that was all it took for me to understand the concept of "no strings attached."
"I believe that it is wrong," he
explained with a peculiar expression that had me bursting out with laughter.
"It just makes no sense that someone would want to be in that kind of relationship.
Not only is it ridiculous, it is morally and Biblically wrong. Fornication is a sin - though it could be that
people are too busy looking at life in its now instead of looking at life in
its distance."
My father continued to make
humorous comments on the matter while washing dishes; so I decided to move on
to my next victim, my mother, Debbie
Thompson, 41.
She made it very clear that she
did not want to be disturbed while doing her gardening, but I questioned her
regardless. After asking her opinion on the no strings concept, her response
and facial expression was exactly like that of my father's.
I was beginning to understand
why they were married.
On a serious note, she stated, "People are looking for instant gratification without the responsibilities. It makes me sad to know that people would resign to such a relationship. Things like this can cause unwanted pregnancies and abortion."
Just one night earlier, I talked this over with my friend Esther Swilley, 19, who seemed to hold to the belief that men are most likely to be O.K. with a "no strings attached" arrangement.
"It is easier for a man to have such a relationship because men are not as emotional as women," said Swilley.
I asked my mom if she bought it.
"I don't think this is
necessarily true," she responded. "This mindset can be blamed on how society
looks at men and women hence the saying 'a woman cannot do what a man does and
still be a lady."
According to a survey conducted by HookingUpSmart.com in 2009, 63 percent of women admit that their "friends with benefits" relationship is an emotional one as opposed to 38 percent of men that believe they have emotional attachments to their sex buddies.
We saw that minority group represented in the character of Ashton Kutcher in the film No Strings Attached.
The same survey found that 60 percent of college students have experienced at least one "friends with benefits" relationship.
· 10% of these relationships evolve into romances.
· 33% remain friends after halting the sexual part of their friendship.
· 25% end both the sexual relationship and the friendship over time.
· 47% of participants in FWBRs believe in "deep love," while 60% of non-participants do.
With that in mind, I carried
this problem elsewhere in search for a young adult's point-of-view.
The youth group at A Place
Called Hope Church in South Florida had a small gathering where the topic so
conveniently got steered in this direction.
After participating in all the
exciting games our youth pastors had planned, we sat together in a clustered
circle on the grass with nothing but smiles and laughter. The sun had some
trouble peeking out of the clouds and the air was crisp and cold, yet that
didn't avert us from just being free and having fun.
One of the youth pastors, Joan
Swilley - Esther's sister - raised the question, almost like it was a typical
conversation starter.
Kimberly Lucien, 17: I think that it depends on past experience.
Some people try to be ruthless to not get hurt again. Guys may be able to have
a bunch of girls and feel no pain. Girls can sometimes get attached and clingy.
Yohann Kurzweil, 16: Terrible. (laughs) I had an experience like that and I was talking to six different girls. At first it's like "Oh! You're the man! But after a while, I realized how much I'm hurting these girls. I've heard stories from their best friends crying and asking "Am I not good enough?" In the end, I got a terrible reputation and it wasn't worth it. It screws up friends, relationships and messes up foundations that were already shaky and are able to fall easily.
Silvia Walters, 18: I had a relationship like that once. At first, I didn't care, but then I got attached. When I found out that the guy didn't want a relationship, it was like a slap in the face. It can really affect someone in a negative way and make them have doubts.
Pastor Joan Swilley, 25: Know your worth! Play hard to get you know? Ok, not really, but the person has to earn your trust. Girls should never settle for that kind of relationship and boys shouldn't either. There is no substance in that.
Ashley Aristide, 16: I feel that it's degrading because if people, well boys, expect that from some girl then they are going to expect it from every girl.
Brittany Lugo, 17: It's almost like having a free prostitute. There
is no price on it.
Silvia Walters, 18: Getting intimate with someone is like giving a part of your soul to them. Part of them will always be in that person.
Kimberly Lucien, 17: It's like play dough. You mix a bit of green and yellow and then after that mix a bit of red. The green and the red will always be in the yellow play-doh.
Pastor Matthias Torres, 28: It's like an epidemic. It's not a college thing or a high school thing, it's an everybody thing. You have to set standards for yourself. This kind of thing ruins the chance for everyone else that may come along.
Pastor Joan Swilley: I was engaged throughout high school and college. I almost got married, but then I met my husband right after college. The right person will come at the right time.
I was very astonished at the fact that out of the nineteen people that attended our youth outing, nine of them had their own experiences with a "friends with benefits" relationship. Though I learned a lot from their testimonies, I went home enlightened but a bit empty.
Does this kind of arrangement truly have an adverse effect on the guy and girl involved?
My last and final game play was
simply to interview a therapist. Jason
Wasser, a Licensed Marriage & Family
Therapist (LMFT),
agreed to share his thoughts over the telephone.
He was very down-to-earth and
quite the comedian.
"The challenge in today's
emotional landscape is people having other individuals fill space instead of
creating space with them," he explained. "Instant gratification is no longer
fast enough....and so this plays out in friends with privileges."
As the conversation continued, he began to explain how one could arrive at such a relationship.
"People fear intimacy, or are afraid to just
be alone. This could also be blamed on not having a healthy model of intimacy
whether it is in the home or the community, etc," he said.
It is evident that nothing is ever perfect or clear-cut when dealing with matters of the heart. The only truth we ever receive is the Word of God, the opinions of others, the advice from friends with past experiences, or even wise counsel from a licensed therapist. Let's not take those lightly.